“C” is for Clam and she has entered the chat. 💬 🐦
So apparently, our front yard has turned into the Applebee’s Happy Hour of the bird world. And who’s always sitting front row? Yep—Carl and Karen, my resident house finches. They post up ALL. DAMN. DAY. Like clocking in for a shift at Target. Only instead of folding t-shirts, they argue. Loudly.
Karen is bougie as hell—like, “this seed is stale” bougie. She side-eyes every other bird that dares land within a wing’s length of Carl. Carl, bless his little feathered heart, just nods, chews his seed, and survives like most men in long-term relationships do.
But THEN the drama hit.
Karen caught Carl at a different bird bath with another chick. Allegedly “bumping uglies.” (Her words, not mine.) Was it a rinse-and-flirt? A little splash-and-dash? We’ll never know, because Karen exaggerates harder than your drunk aunt at Thanksgiving.
But according to Karen, this mystery chick’s name is… wait for it… Chlamydia.
Me: “Karen, that’s an STD.”
Karen: blank bird stare into the camera 👀
Karen: “Her mom thought it sounded pretty. They call her Clam for short.”
Oh, cool, Karen. Because “Clam” is SO much better. Nothing screams elegance like yelling, “Hey Clam! Over here at the bird bath!” 🛀
Meanwhile, my yard looks like Times Square on New Year’s Eve. I’ve got 50+ birds at any given time, regulars plus their baby bird spawn, all fighting over the buffet. How the HOA hasn’t sent me a letter yet is beyond me. It’s chaos. It’s feathers. It’s wings. It’s basically a feathered Real Housewives reunion every afternoon.
And the kicker? The Chlamydia story is 100% real. Seattle, of course. Where else would someone name their child after an antibiotic conversation starter? 🙄💊
So yeah. Carl’s out here being messy with his chippy. Karen’s bougie as ever. Chlamydia (aka Clam) has entered the chat. And I’m just buying bird seed by the pound, watching my front yard soap opera unfold like it’s the only channel worth tuning into. Because it is.
Stay tuned. Feathers are in a bunch and Karen has been known to shit in the beans. I saw it on camera. 100Verified.
Karen & Carl
Karen
Carl
