Bend Me Over Chardonnay: Dry, Expensive & Hard to Swallow

The Legendary Zoom Meeting

Well… the HOA Zoom meeting finally happened.

And honestly?

I thought I recorded it.
I didn’t.

Which is tragic because this thing deserved to be preserved in a museum somewhere under:
“How NOT to Run an HOA While Actively Panicking.”

Not because anything groundbreaking happened.

Quite the opposite.

The entire thing barely lasted 15 minutes before it completely collapsed into executive-session chaos.

Residents came PREPARED.

Questions.
RCWs.
Governing documents.
Actual receipts.

And you could literally WATCH the board unravel in real time.

Honestly?
It was painful to watch.
Funny… but painful.

Because one thing became crystal clear immediately:

That board is NOT on the same page.

Not even close.

Some looked nervous.
Some looked annoyed.
Some looked completely blindsided, shocked and about to vomit.
And some looked like they were mentally applying for witness protection.

I genuinely think we’ve jumped the shark at this point. 🦈

Same Rodeo. Every Time.

The meeting basically started with:

“Hi, I’m Stew Stone, chair of the board…”

Followed by the usual HOA Greatest Hits album:

“Blah blah transparency…”
“Blah blah legal process…”
“Blah blah community values…”

And then the SECOND residents started asking direct questions?

OH BOY.

Suddenly it became:

“We can’t discuss that.”
“That’s executive session.”
“That’s pending litigation.”
“That’s not appropriate.”
“We appreciate your concerns.”

Translation:
“We expected passive homeowners. We did NOT expect homeowners who can read RCWs.”

At one point residents were literally explaining THEIR OWN RULES back to the board because it became painfully obvious these people:
A) Don’t remember their own bs rules
B) Have no clue about the RCWs and how it works OR they don’t care.

Neither option exactly screams leadership.

And you could feel the panic start leaking through the fake calm customer-service voice.

Same rodeo.
Every single time.

The Great HOA Yeeting of 2026

And let’s clear something else up.

We didn’t “leave” the meeting.

We got REMOVED because homeowners weren’t voluntarily leaving for their little executive-session pow-wow.

POOF.
Mass HOA ejection.

Nothing screams “transparency” quite like digitally launching homeowners out of Zoom so the board can disappear into a private meeting like cartoon villains pushing a secret bookshelf button.

And by the way…

I have STILL not received documentation I’ve requested from the HOA that homeowners are entitled to inspect under the Washington Homeowners’ Associations Act and the records-access provisions of the Washington Nonprofit Corporation Act.

So naturally the question becomes:

What exactly are you hiding?

Because from where homeowners are sitting, the nonstop combination of:
“Executive session.”
“Can’t discuss that.”
“We appreciate your concerns.”
and “Please leave the meeting now…”

is starting to feel less like governance and more like a student council meeting run by litigation attorneys.

Introducing: Bend Me Over Chardonnay

So afterward, because the entire thing felt like a deleted Bravo reality show about suburban power trips and selective transparency, we headed to the clubhouse to laugh it off.

And honestly?

We decided Horn Rapids needs its OWN signature wine.

Introducing:
“The Bend Me Over Chardonnay.” (I can’t take credit for that)

No, not Bend, Oregon.
Although honestly the confusion feels spiritually accurate at this point.

No no.

BEND.
ME.
OVER.
Chardonnay.

A bold local vintage with notes of arrogance, litigation, conflict of interest, panic-induced executive sessions, and just a whisper of stress sweat.

Dry corporate finish.
Pairs beautifully with verbal judo and selective transparency.

Best served chilled while someone says:
“We appreciate your concerns.”

Build the Condos and Escape

At this point Brad Rew should just build the condos and move on. Don’t quit the lawsuit, just don’t wait on them. It’ll never happen.

Seriously.

Take the money from the units you already reduced trying to “compromise” with these people and go build your OWN setup somewhere else.

Build your own pool.
A NICE one.
Not the HOA puddle we’re currently pretending is luxury.

Build your own pond.
Start a NORMAL HOA.
One where residents aren’t treated like hostages requesting permission to own patio lights.

Because exposing MORE people to this three-ring HOA circus honestly feels cruel at this point.

I realize they’ve dragged this project through litigation for YEARS and financially kneecapped the thing into oblivion, so maybe walking away isn’t realistic anymore.

But if it is?

DO IT.

Seriously.
F’em.

The Patio Light Crime Wave

And NOW — suddenly — they’re going after people over globe patio lights.

GLOBE.
PATIO.
LIGHTS.

People have had these things up for TEN PLUS YEARS.

NOW they’re public enemy number one?

Please.

That’s not governance.
That’s bored HOA hall-monitor behavior.

And wasn’t it Lord Farquaad himself — Stew Stone — who said TWO HOA rodeos ago that the issue was the bright commercial Wegovy-looking lights?

So which is it?

Because apparently the rules now change depending on mood swings, wind direction, and who complained on Facebook that morning.

These people are exhausting.

At this point I’ll comply with:
The fence rules.
The paint colors.
The yard maintenance.
The garbage cans.

Beyond that?

GFY.

I’m not asking permission to exist at my own house anymore.

Coming Soon: Litigation 2.0

Oh — and for those keeping score at home:

Jason Spence and Cory Bittner are apparently once again trying to get their names removed from the lawsuit.

Again.

Interesting pattern there.

Once I get the Benton County docket number, I’ll pass it along.

And from what I’m hearing?

That little courtroom episode is happening VERY soon.

Final Thoughts From the HOA Twilight Zone

At this point Horn Rapids doesn’t even feel like an HOA anymore.

It feels like a reality show where nobody knows the script, half the cast secretly hates each other, and the audience is drunk in lawn chairs screaming:
“THAT’S NOT HOW RCWs WORK.”

Honestly, I’ve seen more organized leadership at a Black Friday Walmart checkout line.

Anyway…

See you clowns at the next executive-session séance.

I’ll bring the Bend Me Over Chardonnay.