🚗💀 RIP to the Puke: How a Cursed Road Trip and a Hyundai Sales Guy Got Me Another Nissan 💀🚗
It’s Henry Fk’n Timmerman’s Fault
My Nissan Juke — AKA the Puke, AKA the Clown Car — finally went tits up. And not in a graceful, “peacefully in her sleep” kind of way.
No, she died in Granger.
🔮 The Curse of Henry Timmerman
Penny and I were headed to Goldendale to film a YouTube video about the Henry Timmerman curse. Turns out that MFr cursed us instead. Somewhere between “we’re making good time” and “hey, what’s that noise?” the Puke went into limp mode.
So there we were — limping to a truck stop like two washed-up rodeo queens — grabbing a six-pack of Coors Light, plopping down on the curb, and looking like a couple of Lot Lizards waiting for Austin to rescue us.
Honestly, it was only fitting that I later dragged Penny to the Hyundai dealership for moral support.
💔 Saying Goodbye
After 13 years together, the Juke’s transmission and torque converter were toast. She was ugly enough no one would ever steal her, zippy enough to get me into trouble, and weird enough to match my personality. She’s now sitting over at the Eggers’ house, waiting to be tossed on Marketplace for parts.
Godspeed, Puke. You were one of a kind.
🥇 The Great Nissan Debate
Now here’s where you’re going to roll your eyes.
When my transmission first started acting like it was powered by bad decisions years ago, I had my eye on the Nissan Kicks.
Yes — another Nissan.
Yes — another CVT transmission.
Yes — the exact thing that killed my Juke in the first place.
Why? I can’t explain it. I like what I like.
I like weird. I like bold. I like edgy. I love affordable.
I’m not pretentious. I don’t do “luxury.” I live within my means and I’m not about to buy a car that forces me to eat ramen in the dark.
🤖 Consulting the Oracle
I asked GPT what car it would choose for me, knowing my budget, personality, and love for obnoxiously bright colors.
It came back with:
Nissan Kicks – Weird, fun colors, budget-friendly, totally me.
Ford Bronco Sport – Rugged and quirky, but pricier.
Hyundai Kona – Techy, modern, witchcraft-level features.
Mazda CX-30 – Sporty, but boring.
Kia Seltos – Practical, cute, good warranty.
Number one? The Kick. Obviously.
So, I drove the base model. Meh.
Then I drove the premium. Oh yeah — we had chemistry.
🚙 Dating Around
I still behaved like a responsible adult and test-drove a couple other cars:
Baby Broncos: Cute, but that massive screen felt like I was driving with a movie theater in my face. Seats were meh. Price? Hard pass.
Hyundai Kona: Gorgeous. Can literally pull itself out of a parking spot without you in it (actual witchcraft). But every single one was black, grey, white, or maroon. Yawn.
😏 The Plot Twist
I told the Hyundai dealership the truth:
“I think I’m going to buy the Nissan Kick.”
Normally, saying that in a competitor’s showroom is like walking into Starbucks holding a Dunkin’ cup. But instead of throwing me out, they said:
“We own nine dealerships. If you want the Nissan, we can get you the Nissan.”
Lesson learned: Just because you’re at the Hyundai dealership doesn’t mean they can’t get you the car you really want.
Were they thrilled about it? No.
Do I care? Also no.
📝 The Demands
I told them exactly what I wanted:
Two-tone Arctic Blue. AWD. Moonroof. Heated seats. Bose system.
Oh — and they had to meet or beat Nissan’s price.
The very next day, I was about to head to Nissan to buy the damn car when Hyundai texted: We can make it happen.
Minutes later, they had a sales guy coming in on his day off to close the deal.
🎉 The Verdict
In a couple of days, my new ride will be here. And yes, I know I bought another Nissan with a CVT. But I guarantee, when you see it, you’ll say:
“Yep. That’s a Jess car.”
💡 Top 5 Lessons I Learned While Car Shopping
Car dealerships are like casinos.
The longer you stay, the more you lose — money, time, and sanity.Never assume they can’t get what you want.
I went to Hyundai. Left with a Nissan. Wild.Bright colors are an endangered species.
The auto industry is apparently allergic to joy.Base models are a trap.
They lure you in so you’ll “accidentally” fall in love with the premium.Sometimes you ignore red flags.
Sometimes - just like a toxic relationship - the heart wants what the heart wants — and mine wants an Arctic Blue Nissan Kick with heated seats, moon roof, AWD and a Bose system.
